Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Good Greef. That's the summons siren beckoning us to today's re-eductation lecture in the Holistic Regeneration Centre (HRC).
I wonder if the purpose of these re-education programs is to sooth green liberal guilt as the only people positively affected by these keg sized servings of ecool-aid are those already susceptible to the logic of progressive pronouncements. Gretards like Suzukulag guard Joe "Chuckles" Hansen can't get enough. Chuckles guzzles the verdant bilgewater like a pack of Global Climate Modellers gorge on the public tax teat of a progressive Government's green laden budget.
Our attendance at these lectures is voluntary but we can't shake the feeling that declining to attend indicates a masochistic desire to be a guest in a North Korean prison for running an offensive pictorial website called "Dear Leader's Missile: L'il Dong Fizzles". Considering that Kamp Kommandant Morich "Red" Strong and L'il Kim go waaaay back, some UNDP thing, we all cheerfully and consistently volunteer.
The lecture tonight, one in an on-going program Red has dubbed "Saving Unbelievers - Climate Knowledge Series" (SU-CKS), is being presented by one of the greenest lights on eco-lecture tour, Mz. Heidem O'Cullem. Mz. O'Cullem, of weatherchanneling.com fame, is one of the world's leading metorologist-psychics and a proud winner of several exalted International Prestigious Climate Commendations (IPCCs). She will be sharing with us the sizzling science behind her current best-subsidized book titled "CO2-mour, How GHG's Cause Cancer And Other Bad Things". Lets get in there before we're late for the current HRC SU-CKS program and find ourselves on a one way trip to an old style red gulag.
Kamp Kommandant Morich "Red" Strong: OK everyone, take a seat so Mz. Heidem O'Cullem can get started. You are a lucky bunch here today. Very lucky indeed. Heidem presented her speech in our sister camp Gorulag last week and the guests there were so overwhelmed they sat in eco-shock drooling slime long into the night. That experience was devastating to Heidem and she has worked hard to tailor her talk towards the aptitude of her audience, graciously simplifying her speech for your benefit. So without further delay please give Mz. O'Cullem a warm welcome and, of course, your full and complete attention. Heidem, they're all yours.
Heidem O'Cullem: Thank you Morich for inviting me to share my ground breaking gresearch with your guests. I'm excited about my new and improved speech so I'll get right to it.
For those who are unaware, my speech today is a synopsis of my latest book, 'CO2-umour, How GHG's Cause Cancer And Other Bad Things'. Bad things like Aids, Alzheimers, Bolemia, Colds, Delirium, Masturbation, Blindess, STD's, and well, I'm sure you all see the grim picture CO2 paints.
All credible State Sanctioned (SS) Climatologists like myself agree that CO2 is the primary, and likely only, cause of the current unprecendented Global Warming our planet is experiencing. CO2 may only comprise .038% of our atmosphere but it packs the most powerful punch in the Global Climate Models, demolishing the much larger but whipped and insignificant pretender, Water Vapour.
All credible SS news outlets agree with our concensus. They work diligently to promote that view in their heroic effort to educate the ignorant masses. That effort has paid huge dividends for our planet as the media pressure has forced caring politicians to act in Gaia's best interest rather than defend the greedy liberty of polluting citizens.
Most importantly, all SS Global Climate Models confirm the perils that await our planet if we don't reduce the amount of CO2 choking our fragile atmosphere with its plant killing poison. The computer models are so sophisticated, so brilliant, so astounding, so magical, that that they can predict the realclimate even when the savvy modellers attempt to trick them by entering completely random and unrelated data sets! And what do these prescient models, these new far seeing gOracles, predict?
• The rapidly melting sea ice will strike the worlds coasts with iceberg laden tsunamis; wiping out Florida, Hawaii, Australia, and even Suzukulag's home, this emerald island Kommunity affectionately known as Greden. Many millions will perish and billions will be left homeless.
• A massive worldwide drought will destroy 60% of the Earth's most fertile farmland, leading to devastating famine that will cull Gaia of another two or three billion human parasites.
• Deadly plagues will spread across the continents like a California wildfire tears through uncleared tinderbrush. The endless swarms of disease laden insects will strike terror to those living in the pesticide free countryside and many millions more, maybe billions, will succumb to their buzzing onslaught.
These are just the most likely scenarios! I can't bring myself to list the worst that the SS GCM's have proclaimed. Life is just to short to fill our minds with improbable fears.
These facts are beyond dispute and are so scientifically significant that even the non-partisan UN's IPCC agrees that CO2 is a killer that must be reigned in. Earth justice must be done, and it must be done quickly before the climate changes again.
This is the solid science behind Governments moving progressively to control all forms of energy, and by coincidental extension, every individual citizen. This green inspired leadership doesn't just save the fragile environment, praise be to Gaia, but will also save humanity from ourselves.
I trust that clears up any doubt about the dangers of CO2 induced Global Warming that may still linger in your green-challenged minds. Thank you.
I don't see any drool! Thats a good sign. Are there any questions?
Yes Dr. Lintzen, what would you like to know?
RL: Its been claimed that the State-Sanctioned Global Climate Models have a strong positive feedback bias with respect to the effect of clouds and water vapour rather than the negative feedback effect that has been observed. Does this not invalidate the SS GCMs, or at least give us reason to question their conclusions?
HO: Oh Doctor Lintzen, you poor thing. We covered this during your trial! Of course the SS-GCMs apply a positive feedback mechanism. These models are built by positive people working in a positive branch of science. Really, I'm surprised and saddened that you don't remember. Anyone else?
Dr. Singer! I'm so glad you came. What is your question?
FS: Considering that CO2 is such a small component of our atmosphere, that plants seem to love the stuff, and that the Earth's temperature has cooled over the last dozen years or so as the Sun's activity has slowed, doesn't that indicate that CO2 is not the global warming driver it's been made out to be? It's still snowing here for goodness sakes.
HO: Did you not just hear my speech proving how dangerous CO2 is? Really, that money from evil Big-Oil has truly poisoned your soul. It's disheartening to say the least. Anyone with a relevant question? Please, someone still rational? OK. I don't know you. So what is your name?
gf: greenfleece, Mz. O'Cullem.
HO: Allright greenfleece, I hope you've been listening.
gf: Huh! Sure thing. My question is a little off topic but I'm hoping you can clear up my confusion regarding fossil fuels. Given that hydrocarbons are fossil fuels, and methane is a hydrocarbon, and Saturn's moon Titan is a big ball of methane, is that not proof that life once existed elsewhere in the universe?
KKM"R"S: That's quite enough out of you greenfleece! You've lost your daily single sheet of TP for all of next week, and I'm seriously considering transferring you to a less desirable Kamp. Now get out of here all of you, this Q&A session is over. You've embarrassed this Kamp with your idiotic questions. I'm so sorry Heidem.
HO: No Kommandant, I'm terribly sorry that I wasn't able to break through the deniers obviously thick and dense skulls. I feel like I've failed again.
KKM"R"S: Don't despair Heidem. There are simply some who can't be saved. Most of them happen to be here, and they aren't going anywhere.
I have to run now so be careful out there, and remember, the progressive cull is on.
Oh, oh. Joe "Chuckles" Hansen is posting yet another Suzukulag Kamp directive. Joe guzzles
more ecool-aid daily than an entire herd of Al Gore groupies on an Earth Day bender in the
middle of a Sahara summer. A mile high glacier could be knocking on his frigid door with an
ice hammer driven by howling winds at -60 degrees (units don't matter) and he'd still be taunting
us "deniers" for our cognitive dissonance in not adequately grasping the horrors of CO2 induced
Global Warming.
This brand of eco-leadership has garnered Chuckles our latest "Gretard
Of The Month" award for a record setting seventh time, quite the feat in this greenwashed environment.
Truth be told though, Chuckles has benefited from the untimely, though not entirely surprising,
demise of the previous record holder, Jim "Ice Melt" Catlin, who perished playing in
a shirt/skins game of flag football during a environmental leaders Global Warming retreat in Antarctica
last July.
You just can't make this stuff
up.
Well lets take a look at what the giggly moron was up to. OK, Kamp Kommandant Morich "Red" Stronger has just issued Reuse and Recycle Directive #278. It states that Kamp guests will now be issued a single sheet of tree hating, environment raping, toilet paper per day. Per Day! This is Sheryl "Stinky Fingers" Crow policy after gorging on mutant organic steroids. Plus it's effective immediately, though defecative immediately paints a more accurate and odourous picture. See folks, this is what happens when inspiration meets asspiration.
Dr. Tim Ball is not going to be a happy Kamper when he finds this out. I tried to warn him off the rust coloured organic spinach-tofu gourmet puree they slopped out for supper last night but would he listen? Noooooo. So nows he's spewing like a decapitated fire-hydrant, but from both ends. Hey, don't feel sorry for him, we share the same barracks and he sleeps just the next bunk over!
These progressive pronouncements from Red are nothing new. Last year he implemented a "No Sinks/ No Towels" policy in Reuse and Recycle Directive #199 after learning from the BC HRC that there is no risk to human health when a restaurant worker goes straight from wiping the crap off their buns to swiping the mayo on your Big Mac's. Thank Gaia that our benevolent and free Big Government is there to save society from the exploitive evils of Big Food. Hmmm, a Big Mac would be a delicacy worth killing for in this place. Too bad its leftover leftovers tonight. Talk about whetting ones crappetite.
How did I end up in Suzukulag? Well, its not just for world renowned denier scientists or status-quo questioning journalists or honest politicians anymore. Anybody caught displaying criminal Climate Change Thoughts can find themselves with a one way ticket to this insect infested gulag the guards like to call Greden. Climate Change is now an official HRC protected minority and one cannot offend such a victim group without undermining the very foundations of civilized society. My ticket got punched not so long ago as I happened to pass a Greenpeace recruiting booth permanently planted just outside the main entrance of the elementary school in my neighbourhood. The beautiful young woman with the smile of a vixen and voice of an angel scrambled my senses just enough that I missed the dead polar bear logo on her green shirt and jackboots and agreed to answer a "Green Knowledge" questionairre. Here are just a few of the questions where my answers were deemed offensive to Gaia.
Question 1. Is the Climate Changing? (Y/N).
I circled Y and actually got this one right. Smiles all around.
Question 3. Do you typically turn out the lights when you leave the room? (Y/N).
Y again. More smiles and some head nods. I was still a free man.
Question 6. Have you ever used bug spray when hiking through mosquito infested swamps? (Y/N).
Another Y, but this one garnered me a stern look and spawned a flurry of activity behind the booth.
Question 9. Choose two of the given answers. CO2, which is .038 percent of the Earth's atmosphere, is
A) POISONOUS B) Plant food C) What we exhale D) A and A.
I chose B and C. The cell phones were heating up now.
Question 41. Should all pesticides and herbicides be banned so that bugs and weeds don't feel oppressed? (Y/N).
I skipped this question so they circled N for me, based I guess, on my previously expressed ignorance.
Question 55. Do you understand how several record cold winters in a row, a cooling ocean, and a vibrant, growing
polar bear population are indicators of irreversible Global Warming? (Y/N).
My answer of N here literally drew horrified gasps of disbelief. I should have bolted then and there.
Question 77. Are daily showers by humans eroding our shorelines? (Y/N).
I should have known better than to answer
No to this. I could clearly smell the stench of eco-hippies from 40 feet away, and I was up-wind!
Question 82. The sun is 93 million miles away. Humans live directly on the planet. Is this additional proof
that humanity is the cause of Global Warming? (Y/N).
You got it, the idiot greenfleece circled N.
Question 96. Have you ever had sexual relations with an animal smaller than a goat or a plant larger
than yourself? (Y/N).
I answered No and said I was happliy married. Some fern fondling freak,
whose frothing spittle corroded the skin on my face like suphuric acid poured on an orange, but whose breath
smelled even worse, screamed in outrage claiming I was an eco-phobic bigot. I sensed trouble at this point.
Needless to say, by the time I finished the questionairre the authorities had showed up and they were not amused. I was cuffed and paraded through the entire student population who were encouraged by the indignant teachers to shout obsceneties while handing them rotting compost to throw at me. I slipped on some of the putrid detritus and the next thing I saw was the large green heel of a jackboot sole rapidly approaching my burning, compost and spittle covered face. When I woke up I was Suzukulag's newest guest.
I have to run now so be careful out there, and remember, the cull is on.